I have a friend named Kim. She’s a new-ish friend. We met a couple years ago.
There are a lot of things I like about Kim: She’s enthusiastic, she’s positive, she’s easy to talk to, and she makes a mean chicken pot pie.
And occasionally we discover something in common that makes me feel like we are soul sisters. For example, we both put a fireproof box and Crest Whitestrips on our Christmas lists this year. What can I say? We know how to live.
Here’s where we differ: Kim is childfree for now, but she’s had her kids’ names picked out since junior high (Sophia and Jacob), and I equate having a child with being lost at sea for 18 years.
When we met, I had been married for five years and Kim was on the verge of getting engaged. She asked me about my breeding plans, and I told her quite plainly that I would have kids when monkeys fly out of my butt. She seemed fine with that.
But sometimes I get the feeling she isn’t.
Like the time I said to her, “I have some exciting news!”
“What?” she asked. The anticipation made her face resemble Mr. Bill’s.
“We found a house!”
And even though she knew that my husband and I had been looking for two and a half years for our first house and it was a big deal to us, her face kind of fell a bit before she said, “That’s great.” I thought at the time that she was expecting a pregnancy announcement, despite the fact monkeys had not flown out of my butt.
Then there was the time I said, “Guess what?”
“What?” she said excitedly.
“I’m running my first-ever 10K this weekend.”
Her words said, “That’s cool,” but her tone said, “That’s it?” Again, I thought she was expecting a pregnancy announcement.
At first I was bothered by this. Was I not clear about my plans? Did my milestones in life not measure up in her mind to the all-important milestone of having a baby?
Then I realized I could have some fun with her.
Whenever I see Kim these days, I like to throw in a “Guess what?” at some point. I like to see her face rise for a brief moment and then fall when I say something like “I had the best hamburger yesterday.”
Or “Paper towels are on sale at CVS.”
Or “I got my snow tires put on this week.”
Or my favorite: “I may already be a winner in the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes!” Hey, I may be. God knows I’m due.
Maybe Lady Liz
January 29, 2012 at 2:07 PM
I had to deal with the same thing about 100 times over when I recently decided to quit my job to write full-time. I started every conversation with friends/family with “Well, I have some interesting news…” I can’t even tell you how many people laughed afterwards and said they were sure I was going to say I was pregnant. Everyone’s got babies on the brain but me!
ChoosingKidFree
January 30, 2012 at 7:57 AM
Ha ha! Kim is a really great person, and she always shows interest in my announcements–asks all sorts of questions about the house, etc.–but only *after* that initial disappointment. I’m expecting a pregnancy announcement from her in the next year or so, and I’m so, so tempted to be like “Oh, is that all?”
Justin Brown
February 9, 2012 at 12:18 PM
That’s great. “Oh, is that all? I was hoping there was a sale at Kohl’s.”
ChoosingKidFree
February 9, 2012 at 1:53 PM
Oh, don’t tempt me! I am actually going over to Kim’s for dinner tonight. We usually open a bottle of wine, but I am fighting off a bit of a cold and don’t think I will partake today. I can only imagine what *she* will imagine!
Cherie Jamison (@cheriejamison)
February 13, 2012 at 10:14 PM
That’s great. One day she’s probably going to strangle you.
I, too, only want a child when a monkey flies out of my butt (mostly because that seems like a life changer in itself, so I might be a completely different person after that occurs) and most of my friends wish they were parents, like, yesterday.
I even have one (ex best) friend whose sole goal in life used to include “becoming a young mother and trophy wife to a rich guy.” Give me a fudging break. Gag me with a spiked collar.
Claire
February 15, 2012 at 12:22 AM
I think others want me to have kids and think about me having kids more than I do. But then again, I am on a child free blog.
Mia
April 16, 2012 at 8:56 AM
I have kids – but you did say parents were also welcome on this site (there was a link to it from another site) – so hope I’m not gate-crashing ?!
Your posts are hilarious! Have been reading through them and laughing
I think your friend who wanted to have dinner with their friend’s who had kids probably, as another posted commented, just wanted to be able to relax. Having other kids around makes it a bit of a kid’ party – and they can go play for a while so the adults can actually eat food and have a converstation 
ChoosingKidFree
April 16, 2012 at 9:24 PM
Hi Mia! I am glad you are enjoying the posts! Yes, you are absolutely welcome on this site. I definitely value parents’ perspectives, and please know that my posts are a bit tongue in cheek, so I am not looking to deliberately offend anyone. It can be hard for parents and nonparents to talk openly about this stuff in real life, which is why I haven’t told anyone besides my husband about this blog.