‘I Do Not Like Them on a Plane’

Cover of "Green Eggs and Ham (I Can Read ...

Customers worldwide have been complaining about kids in public recently, and businesses have listened. It’s the latest round in the Parents vs. Non-Parents Smackdown, and it’s bringing up a slew of long-standing arguments.

Customers said, “I do not like them on a plane,” and Malaysian Airlines said it would no longer allow babies to fly first class on some flights.

Diners said, “I do not like them where I eat,” and a restaurant near Pittsburgh banned children under age 6 from its dining area.

The upshot is that many parents are outraged, childfree folks are feeling vindicated, and I can’t get Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” out of my head. Except in this version, Sam-I-Am is a chick named Mindy Sue who believes everyone should procreate and green eggs and ham are the little buggers themselves.

I’m Mindy Sue.

That Mindy Sue.
That Mindy Sue.
I do not like that Mindy Sue.

Don’t you want a kid or two?

I do not want one, Mindy Sue.
I do not want a kid or two.

Do you want one in a year?

I do not want one in a year.
I’d rather shove glass up my rear.
I’m happy being childfree.
Now take a hike and let me be.

But don’t you like kids when you fly
Even though they scream and cry?

I do not like them on a plane.
I do not like them on a train.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.

Don’t you like them where you eat?
Don’t you think they’re cute and sweet?

Not where I eat.
Not at the beach.
Not at the park.
Not on an ark.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.

Do you like them at the store?
I’m sure you would if they were yours.

I do not like them at the store.
I don’t want kids.
But wait! There’s more:
I do not like them where I eat.
I do not like them at the beach.
I do not like them on a plane.
I do not like them on a train.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE.

But every little girl and boy
Is a precious gift, a joy!

Holy balls, give me a break
I just don’t think kids are so great.
I like to fly and eat in peace.
Now please go take a flying leap.